A MIDNIGHT SPELL

ONE Valorius knight i met
With a sharp words in his every words came out
Said as if it he casts his spell ;

~Gifts~
I offer nothing but simple observation and perhaps some flowery prose.
But how does one shape mere words into the form of a rose?

I need no gift from you, but offer one in return.
Intense passion for you that in my eyes shall long burn.

Though my life has been marred by pain, by emptiness, by regret,
With the rising of the sun a new born dream of love lives on yet.

The truth is that it is you who has gifted me.
You have given me the ability once more to see. To love. To be. At long last, are you the angel sent to set me free?
~Valorius (2012)

If my words draw you to me through the mists and the gray,
If they catch your attention and turn your head my way,

Then you fill me with pride in knowing today,
That a princess listens to the wind...

Longing to hear the words that i say.

~Valorius (2012)

~Fantasy~

If only i was there to see your beautiful face.
If only i was close enough to feel the light of your grace.

But i am not, for i am trapped in this place
You are nowhere near me, of you here, there is no trace.

I would come to you in your dreams if it would make you smile.
I would sit beside you, and hold your hand for a while.

I would gaze longingly upon you, measuring the depth of your soul.
I would mend the broken pieces of your heart, so that you could once more be whole.

I would smile and you would see the light as it dances in my eyes.
I would remind you that there are still gallant princes who answer lonely princesses cries.

Your hand in mine i would stay with you through the long hours of the night.
A dark prince to accompany you until the coming of the light.

Just before the sun rose, I would kiss your lips as I disappeared in a mist.
And you would wonder, was he real, the prince i just kissed?

I must leave you now, for i have a long way to fly.
So my sweet princess, I will say farewell.

But never good bye.

~Valorius(2012)

~Dream Rider~

What is it about my touch that makes you yearn for it?
In the night, alone, dream of it?

What would you give to forever be with me?
For your prince to at last answer your soundless plea?

Can you feel my breath, a cold chill on your neck?
In the morning after waking, do you reflect?

Of fevered dreams of unbridled passion, together you and I.
Of promises to be forever mine, even after you die.

Do you have fantasies of my fingertips slowly tracing along your face?
An insatiable need to at last feel your dark prince's pearly embrace?

Sadly dreams can only bring you but so close,
To a dark stallion bearing a pale prince with a long stemmed rose.

Close your eyes, i may yet come tonight.
Long hair flowing, hand outreached, beckoning from the night.

Look into my eyes now love, no need to fight.
For your entire life, you have dreamt of my everlasting bite.

~Valorius(2012)

A VALORIOUS KNIGHT UNDER THE MORNING ORANGE SKY

I met a valorious knight
a morning 31st of December
it was quiet weird , but so much tempting moment

he hold me and hug me in a warmth tender cuddling love
as if it we were flying somewhere outer space

we were bound , within our soul and spirit
and to me it was ...
the best morning I have ever had

he's my hela's soul ..
living in me
cleaned my dark sadest soul

a valorious knight
I see
under the morning orange sky

IT'S BENEATH NOVEMBER

It’s beneath november I'm seeing through a crystal moon

It seems to me like ;

There was a lady in the moon
Recovering herself pain
Meeting a soul of hela
After once and twice he burnt down his own soul
And sell his presence to daemon

They met , embrace , detached and saving their soul
Together , not in a vow
Nor in words

They presence in their heart and soul
And fly to the moon ,
never coming back to the place
Where hela’s soul burnt down his own souls

So then I see a lady and a soul of hela
In a crystal moon , beneath november

THIS IS JUST ONE OF MY DEPRESSION PARAGRAPHS IN my own DIVINE ZEN LOVE HEALING..

I am not afraid of growing old ,As in fact i always want to always look old And hoping more people seez me in my old . I passed my wonderful great life in my common cozy daily activity Just like another normal Indonesian young woman , I always save my day , no matter what bad things happened on me each day and I do sometimes pray to my GOD to be greatful,thankful,and mostly ask for help :D

but

The hardest time in my life is When i’m in this desperately mellowing sad situation , it’s When my soul shades thousands of tears but my eyes dried And knowing that someone I really missed is not mine anymore not that because im still in great passion of love But its more because i regret things happened before which were lead me into it.

And yes that’s hurt so bad , and wasting my youngest time , wasting all of those fortune goddess’ chance that were given to me
But then again i have wonderful family , wonderful friends in my real life that support me and always courage me , and also some of my virtual friends that always be there ...for my 24 hours

Clay was once and twice and three times ( maybe now he’s getting bored of me whining up and complaining...) told me about how to survive and how to fight ,struggle in a painful condition , and yes i think about what he said over and over , and i think he’s right.however , i still think about my heartache.i never thought being in this situation before , i never thought that i would hurt , but yes i thought about it,but i was thinking about happy ending story....not in this painful kind of story..
I remember what clay said to me ; “you deserve to have good friends who lift your spirit up. I'm happy I can be a friend like that to you! “ and how he remind me ; I hope you are happy and well out there, and just remember that if anything troubles you, there is always something or someone beautiful and valuable near by, all you have to do is forget your worries and open your heart to the good things that exist right there in front of you , he’s virtual but he presents into mylife so real , impact me in good positive way.i’m glad i have him as a friend.

This bad story , i must say was began in a first beautiful opening story that you’re not even would expect bad things on me could happened , but as what they say it is...BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO A GOOD PERSON , and that good person is ; ME..

Some of my other close friend is Mei Wina that i often to chat with , she might feel boring too listening all of my complaining .

To my dearest friends who i never met ;
So glad i knew you guys online , though we’re in virtual , but your support and that you’re always be there , is really strengthening my soul.

I know that Both love and loss gave me with extraordinary life lessons. Some of these are elegant; some shatter me and bring me to my knees in devastation inside my heart and my soul.but i know that They're all necessary to open my hearts to wisdom and faith. I know I am stronger than what i think!

We all know that hearts are healed in time, but I believe that there are things i can do to make the process of inner healing just a little more tolerable.
It helps to remember that the pain is in the resistance. It really is true that what i resist persists. The more i fight reality, that which i cannot change, the more pain i experience. The more i surrender and let go, the more i open myself to the natural flow of life so that the power of love can transport me to a new space of peace and acceptance.

the healing words of Achaan Chaa, who reminds us:
Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a great tree in the midst of them all.

When you're depressed, it's as if life loses all its colour. The sun is still shining, but you don't feel the warmth of it on your skin. Flowers are still blooming, but your eyes only see darkness. Birds are still singing in the trees, but your ears only hear the deafening silence of sadness.

I think Managing heartache depression requires a holistic approach.i mean ..i can't just wake up one morning and decide that im going to 'snap out of it'! However, i can take small steps to give myself the best possible chance to benefit from treatment.

A Love haiku by yojinbo makes me think about all shit happened on me ;
What love promises
Is not a happy ending
But a sad farewell.'
'You think you hurt me
By building walls between us:
Fortress or prison?'
'My blood boils away
Flesh, muscle, sinew, all gone
If you say goodbye'
'The venom you used
To say Goodbye, I now use
To kill loneliness.'
~ @Yojinbo

And yes as i always said in my every favourite quotes , life is suck and sucks ...

MUKE LU REJEKI LU

Suatu ketika , spt biasa gw lp wktunya kapan.gw perlu bawa papan dekor wedding cake ke salah satu hotel terkenal di daerah jakarta barat (sebelum lampu merah cengkareng)biasaa...gw maen ga jauh2 darri lampu merah.dan om joni pun menawarkan bantuan transportasi (tenang sodara sodara.... kli ini kaki 4),tapi gw pikir drpd gw modal nyewa mobil mending gw pake yg ada aja lah.

Sesampainya di dpn hotel (ralat ; blm nyampe masuk , ujung mobil baru jg nyentuh dikit!)sama security d suruh minggir.

Joni : buka pintu mobil , lempar jaket (tinggal kaos item + rompi item)
Gw : nyingkirin jaket dari pangkuan , krn tadi dia lempar sembarangan.
Joni + security (melakukan pembicaraan serius kayanya...syg gw ga punya radar sejauh itu..)

Gw + Joni : ADEGAN di percepat ...bukan krn ada sensor tp gw males ngetiknya...dan akhirnya pun akan plg menuju parkiran

Joni : baru mau buka pintu mobil
Gw : masuk duluan , ogah senyum ma securitynya...malesin
Security : mendekat seraya berkata kpd joni ; pak , bisa bicara sebentar

Joni + security : melakukan adegan pembicaraan serius episode 2 , sampai akhirnya mereka pun bersalaman , dan kalau minus mata gw ga nambah (wktu itu gw jg ga yakin n ga serius ngeliatin krn lagi bete)kayanya tu security kasi amplop putih gitu ke joni..

Gw : lama bener...kan gw blg juga apaaaa...jgn pake mobil beginian masuk hotel mewah
Joni : ngeplak pala gw dgn rasa syg (kayanya) seraya berkata ...justru ni rejekinya tahu kaga lu!! Perempuan tahu apa si...comel doank..udah diem.mau makan ga?
Gw : udah kenyang dari tadi ngeliatin mukanya security
Joni : dia baek tahu ...tuh ! (sambil nyodorin amplop putih k gw)
Gw : busyet uang say??? Senyum berbinar binar lebaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr bgt.nyampe lampu merah kli tuh. sambil planning di otak nanti ke mall mau nunjuk minta beli apa :p
Joni : makanya lu jgn bawel jd org !!!!
Gw : bikin senyum paling manis sedunia...... =)

PESAN MORAL
1.kalo ke HOTEL MEWAH JGN PAKE MOBIL KOLBAK SEMEN !!!
2.kalaupun terpaksa pake mobil begonoan , cari org yg mukenye SEREM 7 rupa utk nemenin oh iya suruh juga org itu pake CINCIN BATU AKIK SEGEDE GABAN , KLO PERLU DI SEPULUH JARI
3.REJEKI GA KEMANA
4.sejelek apapun pasangan anda saat ini tdk usah menyesal dan ga usah di suruh operasi plastik di KOREA ...terima aja...mungkin itu sudah rejeki anda (apa nasib?wkwk)

CATATAN ; cerita ini hanya kejadian tanpa expektasi semata dalam kehidupan sehari hari , karakter adalah ASLI namun nama tempat sengaja tidak ditunjukkan dengan segala pertimbangan positif yg ada. =)

SCREAMING SCARY SOUL

I was...giving all of mine in me , I was giving all of my courage , my motivation and even live my spirit life into all of this which we call this dream of us.
I DID,
but then again I think I wasn’t DOING everything good enough.
I missed something.Imperfect.

I suddenly wanna cry but I can’t
I wanna scream , as if it like I‘m in d roller coaster..but I can’t
I wanna sleep and be in another world...but I can’t
I wanna make a dream...but its all so blury
I dropped it...just in a sudden as my heartbeat stop for a second or two
I wanna tell all people , moaning , complaining ,shocking my grief onto them ,but somehow I can’t...just somehow something pull me back , hold me back , make me standing still

This pain.....so hurting me deep inside
Like something stabbed me right thorough my heart..
the worst part is... I think this pain stabbed my soul..
I’m lost...my soul is lost...
And my head is now spinning around in the deathly carousel

THEN
I drag my soul to a beautiful shiny place...and so far..
It's useless...
my soul is screaming out loud for my scary misery..
alone..there

chocking my throat of a giant slippers while waiting someone infront of a hippo stinky dirty cage.

I wish...I could see this world in a beautiful hologram glasses ,
So I would see beautiful colours , shapes , and 3D movement ,...beautifully in colours
But infact as I’m now wearing a black sunglasses
Dark.....so dark...

I feel so sad , definately sad today
I swear it
I feel like chocking my throat of a giant slippers while waiting someone infront of a hippo stinky dirty cage.
It feel so strange why I’m sad now , ...

I know I have a great life , wonderful family and pretty good job , and not to mention lots of list things to do...positive things to do...
But I don’t know how I end up confusing myself for nonsense feeling of the things I saw , I have just seen..

Things I shouldn’t supposed to see but I did , I had seen...
I don’t feel regret or anything....but I feel ....so weak , hopeless and sad...deeply

It’s a horror knowing that I can’t do anything , I sit here in my darkest grief , moaning
Sitting here alone ...just alone...maybe I should cry...but I don’t want the world to see

I’m sitting in the dark...and found myself in a broken wing...
I couldn’t fly...just hurt..
Deserted ...sad,weak,hollow...

My odyssey

Have u ever felt like being in a hot shiny sun afternoon in your cozy window while listening 70’s – 80’s songs ?

I was today , and i was all alone , i stared at the window , looking at an empty small narrow street,with burning sun high up above , dragon flies flying around everywhere outside ,dry weathered atmospheric with old songs backround tht i heard from a distant , just perfect for my dwelling.

And when i was looking at the window of that empty small street outside...It was so quite ...it was so dried ...and there was no one ...

Then...
I touched my heart (literary) in a sudden ... i was thought it hasnt got beat , i thought it just stopped only for a second or so...
Have u ever felt like u want to say something or its like when u wanna tell your whole life story to someone but u couldnt just do it?somehow there’s something hold u back , or pull u back.

I am now feeling tht way , not because i dont hv friends to talk to , but i dont know ...sometimes ...just sometimes there was a time when u cant tell everything to the whole life world...

As i feel tonite ; i am in my fading grey of my own odyssey

I dont think it was a dream...

I dream of you in many different faces , places , beyond limits of time.those dreams came in thorough my mind , my thoughts , my soul in many different of episodes.once there was happy and strange , once there was sad and blur , sometimes they came into me in beautiful many colours of hopes , mostly strange , sometimes frightened and strangled me on my cozy bed ...however non of them was real.

My dreams of you sometimes Put me in doubt for most of time but assurance me sometimes , strange things to feel when virtual and real collide . i'm flowing lightly onto somewhere i couldn't describe.. they didn't stuck me up til now , but hurting me down in my heart at nite.if you weren't there i wouldn't be here , painting my mind on my own glorious sentences to feel myself moaning in my own grief

It's so amazing how these things and dreams and everything lead me , all of my hormons in my brain , captured my thoughts , and have me had this heart to feel about all of this.i'm flowing not floating not yet falling.but its hurting heart i found.leak

And there i go ....flowing .i would cried to you to take me though i can never promise you my devotion .i would have..but somewhere beyond my thoughts...i never see anything.i don't see you . though i could have seen you ...i might see you ..

AN INSIDIOUS DESCENDANT

I CALL THIS AS AN INSIDIOUS DESCENDANT ....

And I will have to fall myself to the edge of doom and let someone free me

And when all of the love songs that all matters to a love , I will have to sing it differently then , I noticed my own grief ...and beyond all of the sorrow...
I will always wake up , every morning with every freed that comes up..and know ..always know...even if its free...there’s always end not yet safe , not even bound

But then I notify of beautiful reef nebula eyes that always set me free
For all of my weakness , sadness and torture
high up above that reef nebula ...there’s flying golden dragon is waiting for me as he always promise me...

I feel and see my own freedom in darkest edge of all within another luck and lust in my deepest purest soul towards another souls

GLASSY WINGS AND AN UNBROKEN VOW

beyond the horizon of my deepest purest soul...I miss you as you're a scar..I got it but never can I loose it.these words , also your words...insinuated detached my brain as a real and virtual collide within ...

take a vow within my soul , make bondage , but don't bent them,build your wings to fly to me,but don't get closer to the sun,and if you fall,let you fall on me and drown yourself in me
then ; find,get and be with your freedom!!!,Icarus. That’s a freedom whisper , me as your Freedom

like I always remember your sentences , Icarus ...
"and all Icarus want;was only Freedom,is only Freedom,will always be Freedom,and its "U", Freedom ... I'm free as you're always be a Freedom,my Freedom,the one and only Freedom."

So then...

fly to me with your wings,bring your hopes,dreams and wishes and find me in my deepest purest soul,safe me for I will always free you,as I always be your freedom who's longing to be within your soul's vow.high up above the 18th clouds and let you fall.. I will be here,in an unbroken vow..
*as always and its a promise.(*under term and conditon)

I vowed my soul into your heart ,so take it , struggle it , fight for it , but don’t let yourself nor me die for it , say it for it IS a REAL

I LOVE U..... ,ALWAYS.... AND IT’S A PROMISE

my Icarus ....
I LOVE U..... ,ALWAYS.... AND IT’S A PROMISE.


I don’t wanna make my words to you only as SAY,SAY,SAY , I don’t wanna throw promises to you and only TRY,TRY,TRY , I am now putting on all of my effort to you as DO,DO,DO.



I DO wanna make dreams and wishes , but I don't wanna make them flying to the 9 cloud and washed by rain nor living there in virtual, so ..be free and real... for I always freed you for your real presence.



My dearest Icarus...how I wish I could have one of your wings so you don't need to fly anywhere nor drowned...



I freed you,as I always be your freedom,and therefore I'm sure you're longing to be mine.
Seek and bound to my soul,as I DO to yours.

THE END OF ICARUS AND FREEDOM STORY

The final rhyme from william carlos william poem about Icarus story ;

“unsignificantly
off the coast
there was
a splash quite unnoticed
this was
Icarus drowning”

“the edge of the sea
concerned
with itself”

Freedom pronounce her sadness from Icarus Story ;
this is more likely ; depicts the insignificance (a word not used, but insinuated) of Icarus’ life.

ICARUS FOR FREEDOM

my Freedom ,

my brain is too fried from all the work I'm doing outside recently,
but I still study on it...and us.

Freedom it is about us,
no matter how things go its about us.
our friendship, relationship, love is what we experience.

I'm just busy and can't be with you much
forgive me , my Freedom,.....
but I'll be with you again soon
don't be desperate

FREEDOM FOR THE ICARUS

I'm longing to see my Icarus
I really miss his look , his eyes , his stare
detached my soul .... embrace me all

I'm his freedom ...
He said once about having a good start

Icarus said to Freedom ;
"start simple and slow ,
you have to be more comfortable
don't be scared coz I won't hurt you
The most important thing is your heart
I am falling now ...
Hmmm yeah ... really (times 4) falling ....
yeah...I do....
but let's not rush it
baby...my Freedom ...
sweet dreams and thank you
think about your feeling ,
your body ,
me...."

Then Freedom replied ;
"I'm your Freedom , Icarus
bring me with you
in your dreams
fly with me
saved me from drowning"

And so Icarus said to his Freedom ;
"I will"
and gave her a sweet gudnite kiss....

a letter from icarus for the goddes of the sun ; freedom

freedom , you are so nice to me. really one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. i'm lucky to get to know you and find you are as sweet as your are gorgeous.
I wonder how it came that we met. what chance is there that it can happen?
when we talk, I feel smarter and more creative.
if we never meet as lovers, I'm so happy to know you as a person who someway is connected to me.
you make my darkness light.

SIMPLE WORDS FROM ICARUS

Freedom once not comfort having in between Icarus' goddess
that's the last thing she wants from Icarus

Freedom then wrote to him and Icarus in his agony , replied ;
there's nothing to worry about
just let things be natural
cause u make my darkness light
and you're my nuclear explosion of carbon oxygen and love

then Icarus saw beautiful smile from Freedom which he always seen
he said then ...let u be my goddess , the goddess of the sun
there would be only u , freedom forever

he said once then noted ;
im realizing you are existing a peril or a blessing?
the fact of desire and the feeling of missing it
fear and anger
love and warmth

Freedom then wondering and pounding in her glad
this one for thee Icarus

then let will be
freedom freed the Icarus

ICARUS AND FREEDOM ,( lia version)

Once upon a time in meteor garden
with beautiful meteor rain surrounding its air
and that would be on the nine cloud of the sky
but not closer to the sun

there was a god ; Icarus whom very very very hurt in his heart
he has strong deepen meaning of every words he wrote and said
his soul is in bruises and longing to be saved
though he has lots of beautiful goddess of his own collection
nevertheless he still feel hollow and lonely
need to be saved and freed

then came virtually ,
a nice lady of freedom named freedom queen
unseen , but effected him so much
she cared and looked after him
she promises to give him everything if he's falling in love to her

in virtually scene , they spoke ;

Icarus ; "All I need is just freedom , it's u baby"
Freedom ; 'as u wish Icarus , ...forget me not dear , forget me not , don't drown
this time"
Icarus ; "I wont forget u , I will keep on with u , coz I got u on my wings , I
wont drown this time , I would fly , just fly with u"
Freedom ; "so let us fly then , fly to the moon and back"
Icarus ; " we would baby ....but not closer to the sun and don't touch the meteor
rain , coz my wings might be melted"
Freedom ; "your wings wont be melted dear , I'm on your wings' soul so let it be
me on your side then"
Icarus ; " you are strange and fascinating for me , Freedom"
Freedom ; "I'm not one of your goddess collection dear , I can't compete them"
Icarus ; "you don't have to , I just want you Freedom"
Freedom ; "stay and don't leave me , my dear Icarus"
Icarus ; "I'm keep staying myself up with you Freedom"
Freedom ; "good nite Icarus"
Icarus ; "good nite Freedom , all Icarus love is just Freedom , only Freedom"

to be continued

I HOPE MY ICARUS WILL " FALL" TO ME

Landscape with the Fall of Icarus (1962). William Carlos Williams (1883-1963).

According to Brueghel
when Icarus fell
it was spring

a farmer was ploughing
his field
the whole pageantry

of the year was
awake tingling
near

the edge of the sea
concerned
with itself

sweating in the sun
that melted
the wings' wax

unsignificantly
off the coast
there was

a splash quite unnoticed
it was
Icarus drowning.

Lia's note ; i hope my icarus would drowning , drowning in my ocean of love :)
that's for you my icarus

ICARUS FOR A SHARKMAN

Waiting for Icarus (1973). Muriel Rukeyser (1913-1980).

He said he would be back and we'd drink wine together
He said that everything would be better than before
He said we were on the edge of a new relation
He said he would never again cringe before his father
He said that he was going to invent full-time
He said he loved me that going into me
He said was going into the world and the sky
He said all the buckles were very firm
He said the wax was the best wax
He said Wait for me here on the beach
He said Just don't cry

I remember the gulls and the waves
I remember the islands going dark on the sea
I remember the girls laughing
I remember they said he only wanted to get away from me
I remember mother saying: Inventors are like poets, a trashy lot
I remember she told me those who try out inventions are worse
I remember she added: Women who love such are the worst of all
I have been waiting all day, or perhaps longer.
I would have liked to try those wings myself.
It would have been better than this.